I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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