You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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