my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
