I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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