you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
