I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
