There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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