You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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