there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
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He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
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Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
my liver is dry heaving
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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