Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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