He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize