It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
