I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
This is my gift to your gina
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night