I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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