I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
