im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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