i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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