My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
