you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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