My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
