Dude my mom stole all your condoms
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
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