Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
