Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
