There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Randomize
