just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
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So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
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I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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