Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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