I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
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I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
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Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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