I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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