My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She said her name was "party"
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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