woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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