you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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