apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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