Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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