I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
