Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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