it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
