went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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