The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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