My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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