just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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