So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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