Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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