I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
