guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
