Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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