pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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