The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
