I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
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It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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