Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
