The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
