i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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