two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
