perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize