I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
