Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
