Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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