I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
