Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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