there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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