We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
