insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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